I lost. I gained.
Getting a positive result from a pregnancy test one day and losing one line the next is not as easy at it may seem. It can be as painful and lonely as any other loss but just the same, you fight your way through despair. It is one of the reasons why I said it is important to have an intact support system.
When I learned I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant, I cried. I wouldn't say it is because I am not prepared to become a mother but rather, it came as a TOTAL surprise since my husband and I weren't really planning for it at the moment. On all the events in my life that implies a major change in my usual routine, I cry. I'm such a crybaby like that but I don't equate it with weakness. It was also evident during the time when I picked up all my things from the parent's house to transfer to my husband and I's present home; I also shed tears. That's just me, how I tend to get loose when I am too overwhelmed with a situation. And knowing there is something inside me that is growing, I had all sorts of emotions and questions to myself such as, "Where do I find a reliable OB-GYNE?" Purely pregnancy related concerns.
I was ready to forget my goal of losing a lot of weight. I thought of all the running events I wouldn't be able to attend to but at the back of my mind, it wasn't a big deal. I was more concerned as to how it would feel if the baby started to move. Exciting days ahead. Or so I thought. For on the third day after taking the test and finally doing a check up and an ultrasound, I started bleeding. After this time, the hospital, the ultrasound machine, the OB GYNE and the bed became my best friends. I would see them and be with them for the next few days. But things don't always go the way you planned it. Because after exactly twelve days, we found out the baby did not progress.
Was I ever pregnant or was it just presumptive? Maybe the pregnancy test indicated a false result? The ultrasound did not caught a sac in the first place. The only proof I had other than the positive PT and thickened endometrium is my personal observations. How I felt before taking the test. The presence of cramps once in a while but never having a period, the many times I felt nauseas after eating some food, the sleepiness after having ample hours of rest and the bloated feeling even if I was diligently going to the gym.
Was I too engrossed with getting slimmer that I was exhausting myself out? When in reality, I was trying to lose weight because I wanted to normalize my lab tests in preparation for future conception. It just came ahead of me. Did it came out as a sign of irresponsibility and selfishness on my part working hard to get fitter and healthier that I totally forgot that missing a period would meant pregnancy? Should I not have gotten to work (even if it is only for a day or two) and waited for the bleeding and spotting to totally cleared off?
So many questions and what ifs brought about mainly (and sadly) by the people around me. Those opinions and statements of concerns, as they say, that you know you shouldn't listen to but you can't really tell them to shut up. I am still in the process of treating those positively but I can only handle so much.
I lost a chance to bear a child this time but I still thank Him for giving me so much gains instead. It's true what they say that you get closer to your husband after a pregnancy loss. You hang on to and reassure each other that it's fine and it's not yet the end. I am grateful for the family and friends who constantly check on me, the prayer warriors for the unceasing prayer and reminder of faith, the wisdom that comes with the experience and the mercy and grace from Him in knowing that I am capable of conceiving. Although we didn't see a physical evidence inside my body, I'll still take it as a sign that I can in the future. We will continue to pray for that day. We may be confused now as to why this happened but I find comfort in knowing that He has a far more greater plan for us. We will continue to trust and keep the faith.
If you're also a woman who has experienced or is currently experiencing the same, always remember not to blame yourself. It is not yours or anybody's fault. What's bound to happen will happen. You are loved and you are amazing despite of.
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| It's not entirely a loss. |
When I learned I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant, I cried. I wouldn't say it is because I am not prepared to become a mother but rather, it came as a TOTAL surprise since my husband and I weren't really planning for it at the moment. On all the events in my life that implies a major change in my usual routine, I cry. I'm such a crybaby like that but I don't equate it with weakness. It was also evident during the time when I picked up all my things from the parent's house to transfer to my husband and I's present home; I also shed tears. That's just me, how I tend to get loose when I am too overwhelmed with a situation. And knowing there is something inside me that is growing, I had all sorts of emotions and questions to myself such as, "Where do I find a reliable OB-GYNE?" Purely pregnancy related concerns.
I was ready to forget my goal of losing a lot of weight. I thought of all the running events I wouldn't be able to attend to but at the back of my mind, it wasn't a big deal. I was more concerned as to how it would feel if the baby started to move. Exciting days ahead. Or so I thought. For on the third day after taking the test and finally doing a check up and an ultrasound, I started bleeding. After this time, the hospital, the ultrasound machine, the OB GYNE and the bed became my best friends. I would see them and be with them for the next few days. But things don't always go the way you planned it. Because after exactly twelve days, we found out the baby did not progress.
Was I ever pregnant or was it just presumptive? Maybe the pregnancy test indicated a false result? The ultrasound did not caught a sac in the first place. The only proof I had other than the positive PT and thickened endometrium is my personal observations. How I felt before taking the test. The presence of cramps once in a while but never having a period, the many times I felt nauseas after eating some food, the sleepiness after having ample hours of rest and the bloated feeling even if I was diligently going to the gym.
Was I too engrossed with getting slimmer that I was exhausting myself out? When in reality, I was trying to lose weight because I wanted to normalize my lab tests in preparation for future conception. It just came ahead of me. Did it came out as a sign of irresponsibility and selfishness on my part working hard to get fitter and healthier that I totally forgot that missing a period would meant pregnancy? Should I not have gotten to work (even if it is only for a day or two) and waited for the bleeding and spotting to totally cleared off?
So many questions and what ifs brought about mainly (and sadly) by the people around me. Those opinions and statements of concerns, as they say, that you know you shouldn't listen to but you can't really tell them to shut up. I am still in the process of treating those positively but I can only handle so much.
I lost a chance to bear a child this time but I still thank Him for giving me so much gains instead. It's true what they say that you get closer to your husband after a pregnancy loss. You hang on to and reassure each other that it's fine and it's not yet the end. I am grateful for the family and friends who constantly check on me, the prayer warriors for the unceasing prayer and reminder of faith, the wisdom that comes with the experience and the mercy and grace from Him in knowing that I am capable of conceiving. Although we didn't see a physical evidence inside my body, I'll still take it as a sign that I can in the future. We will continue to pray for that day. We may be confused now as to why this happened but I find comfort in knowing that He has a far more greater plan for us. We will continue to trust and keep the faith.
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| In all of this, love your husbands and wives more. You both need it. And don't forget to go on a lot of dates after too! |
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